The 4 TV Small Towns We’d Move to Tomorrow (and One We’d Avoid Like the Plague)
The 4 TV Small Towns We’d Move to Tomorrow (and One We’d Avoid Like the Plague)
A few weeks ago, Ryan and I watched a YouTube video from Coolest Thing about Debbie and Ronnie—a Tennessee couple who have built a 1950s-themed backyard town. It had everything from a barbershop (complete with mannequin customers and barber), a candy store with handmade Styrofoam candy wrapped in real wrappers, and even a gas station and neighboring one-room schoolhouse. And it’s just for them. It’s not for show or for tours. There’s no bed & breakfast offer, unlike Cathy and Mike, another Tennessee couple who has built a small town, “Our Backyard Town,” specifically for the purpose of allowing folks to come and escape to a different time and stay for a meal or two..
Both of these couples, and the folks who come to visit, have built a getaway—an oasis from the craziness or mundanity that can be everyday life, no matter where we live.
Well, I don’t have the space in my backyard for a homemade town. What I do have, is a deadline and an extensive knowledge of fictional small towns from our favorite television shows. So, which ones would I most like to move to or spend a weekend exploring? And Which one do I think we should drive through with the windows up and gas tanks full?
Let me tell you.
1. Lanford, Illinois (Roseanne/The Conners)
Let’s start with perhaps the most realistic portrayal of a 1990s lower-middle-class town that had been hit by deindustrialization, shrinking municipal and classroom budgets, and property values choked out by joblessness. Even in the face of factories closing, losing their business, and dealing with relatable family drama, Roseanne and Dan Conner somehow made Lanford seem like the kind of place you can take pride in—even if you wanted better for your kids, hoping they would break free and make it in Chicago or Minneapolis.
Landford is first on the list, not because it’s the greatest small town on television, but because it may just be the one that feels the most like home.
2. Mayberry, North Carolina (The Andy Griffith Show/Mayberry RFD)
To up our feel-good quotient after a cozy yet gloomy stay in Lanford, we’ll head south of the Mason-Dixon Line to the most idyllic little town to ever grace our silver screens. Mayberry, North Carolina is the stereotypical image of a 1950s and 1960s small town in rural America. A barbershop helmed by a sweet and chatty mustachioed man, a filling station run by a hayseed yokel, and a Sherrif who just so happens to be the justice of the peace and postal inspector. Not to mention a deputy who is…well…Barney Fife. Is there any other way to describe Barney than…Barney?
Mayberry had a drugstore with a soda fountain and ice cream bar, a church choir, and enough farmland to keep the markets full.
Are there moonshine runners? Yeah. Are the Darlings causing trouble? You betcha. And is ol’ Emma Brand whining and gossiping? Yes, but no one does it better. It all adds to the beauty and comfort that is Mayberry.
3. Pawnee, Indiana (Parks & Rec)
"In one of your parks, there are signs that says, ‘Don't Drink the Water,’ so I made sun tea with it and now I have an infection." –Sun Tea Lady, Resident of Pawnee, Indiana.
If that quote doesn’t just scream real-life small-town neighbors, then I don’t know what does.
Roughly the size of Muncie (Chirp Chirp!), Pawnee is the quintessential Midwest micro city (or “big small town”). Whether your preferred flavor is taking in the sun at Ramset Park, jamming on your planner at the library (“PUNK ASS BOOK JOCKIES!”), or hiding away in your cabin at 9301 Cedar Crest Drive (Sorry, Ron), there’s something for just about everybody. Even creepy perv orthodontists have the option of going down to Tokyo Delves to sing a gender-bending rendition of Summer Nights with the overzealous public servant #1, Leslie Knope.
Pawnee: Zorp is Dead, Long Live Zorp!
4. Bikini Bottom
This one is kind of obvious; who wouldn’t want to live in a pineapple under the sea? While we may not all be absorbent and yellow and porous, if nautical nonsense IS something we wish, then Bikini Bottom is our favorite place to drop on the deck and flop like a fish.
The people—err fish and other sea life—seem friendly enough. You can afford a multi-story home on the hourly wages of a Krusty Krab burger flipper, and the town is kept safe under the watchful, albeit geriatric eye, of Shady Shoals Rest Home’s dynamic superhero duo—Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy.
There’s the added bonus of being underwater but still being able to do things like use electronics and start a fire! However, most of us—those without gills—will have to spend most of our tank-free time in that squirrel’s submerged air dome.
Danger Awaits!
We’ve covered the four small towns that look most appealing. Now, if you have one you’d like to add, please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments.
But right now, let’s end things on a more dour note.
There’s one TV small town we can all agree is dangerous, dark, and no place to raise a family or keep your screen door unlocked.
Cabot Cove, Maine—Murder, She Wrote.
My only thought here is, why, in a town of 3,560, are there so many murders?! And why is Angela Lansbury always involved? Is she nosy? A criminal mastermind? Or, as my theory goes, is she an unimaginative writer who sets the majority of her stories right out her front door—be it her home or cruise liner or the archaeological dig she’s going on?
Maybe during the next election cycle, the residents of Cabot Cove should consider electing a sheriff whose entire background in criminal rehabilitation was more than turning Arthur Fonzarelli from a jukebox ruffian into a waterskiing, short-shorts-wearing, shark-jumping has-been.
*It should be noted, we have the boxset of Murder, She Wrote in our home.
As we long for the days of black & white Mayberry or pine for the ponderosa of Bonanza, there’s always a 22-minute version of them waiting for us. Perhaps we should make time this weekend for a short trip to the nostalgia and pace only television small towns can bring.
Happy channel surfing!
-AT
Adam Tidrow is a serial entrepreneur, expert in American business and economic history, and scholar whose work focuses primarily on local economic development in the American Rust Belt.
